AI could fix dating apps by coaching couples through intimacy, romantic nuance

A therapist argues that artificial intelligence could revolutionize dating apps by addressing the unconscious patterns and communication styles that cause most modern relationships to fail before they begin. Rather than simply matching people based on surface-level compatibility, AI could guide couples through the delicate process of building trust and intimacy at the right pace for each individual.

The core problem: Current dating apps like Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge excel at matching people but fail to help them actually date successfully.

• Most people lack clear agreement on what constitutes “dating,” with beliefs about romance and courtship buried in their subconscious minds.
• Many promising relationships “fall off” due to unintentional drops in momentum that get misread as disinterest.
• Others end prematurely when one person feels pressured into intimacy faster than they’re comfortable with.

Where AI could help: The technology could decode the unspoken psychological patterns that determine dating success or failure.

• AI could discern individual communication styles, trust-building preferences, and optimal pacing for emotional and physical intimacy.
• The system could identify “things that they don’t know that they don’t know” — unconscious preferences that people only recognize when something goes wrong.
• It could analyze subconscious signaling through body language, clothing choices, and other first impression factors that people express and receive without awareness.

The “uniquely familiar” principle: Successful dates should create experiences that are both comfortably familiar and pleasantly surprising.

• “Dominoes and Pepsi on a park bench is familiar but not unique; landing a helicopter in your front yard is unique yet too unfamiliar.”
• AI could design the perfect sequence of activities to help couples make meaningful memories while getting to know each other organically.
• This approach contrasts with the current “interview-y” dates that feel forced and judgmental.

What experts recommend: Professional matchmakers already provide highly structured guidance that removes guesswork from early dating.

• They give specific instructions on attire, arrival timing, payment arrangements, and conversation topics to avoid.
• Ira Israel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests that “freedom exists within structure” — clear guidelines actually enhance rather than restrict romantic connection.
• An AI dating assistant could incorporate wisdom from psychologists, relationship experts, and matchmakers to guide couples through natural trust-building processes.

The bigger picture: The proposal represents a shift from matching algorithms to relationship coaching technology that addresses the psychological complexity of human connection in the digital age.